Parent Coaching in Seattle, WA: How it Supports Families Facing Challenging Child Behaviors to Climb Out of Crisis

A Note to Parents in Crisis: This article is meant to be educational and is absolutely not a substitute for clinical care. The kinds of issues described in this article are complex and extremely nuanced. If you feel that your family is in crisis, talk to your child’s pediatrician to get referrals for professional help.

Entrenched Behaviors in Children

Many families face challenges with child defiance, mood problems, and anxiety. In a subset of these families, these issues can reach severe levels. Families may find themselves in a pattern of fearing their child’s reactions to ordinary limits and requests. They need a more specialized approach than the standard interventions, due to entrenchment of unhealthy patterns. Read on to discover how parent coaching can help address your child’s challenging behaviors and guide your family toward positive change.

Here are possible signs that entrenched behaviors may be occurring:

• Aggression or violence directed at household members

• Verbal aggression that crosses into verbal abuse at home

• Withdrawal from core activities such as school

• Refusal to participate in daily household routines

• Extreme reactions to even small demands 

• Overuse of screens

• A sense by parents that they are in crisis

The more signs that are present, the more likely that basic interventions will not suffice. Many families might check off all of the signs listed above. Families in these patterns need guidance to get unstuck and re-establish healthy household functioning.

Is this Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)?

Pathological Demand Avoidance, also known as “PDA,” is a pattern of behavior associated with the autism spectrum. PDA is thought to be driven by anxiety. PDA is not a diagnosis and the concept is controversial. PDA is informally recognized in the United States, but there are no evidence-based methods to identify and treat individuals who fit the PDA profile. That said, many families find the PDA lens to be helpful. It can help some parents understand the importance of being flexible in their expectations of their child who shows explosive responses to demands. 

Others, however, find that the PDA framework poses constraints on their agency as parents. Patterns may escalate to where parents feel disempowered to impose even basic structures and expectations on their child, out of fear that their child will explode. The child and the rest of the household are unlikely to flourish under these conditions. 

Families who find themselves in entrenched patterns might wonder if their child has PDA. While some children who show entrenched patterns may fit the PDA profile, others do not. Children who are prone to entrenched patterns may have some type of neurodivergence, but not necessarily.

Disrupting Entrenched Patterns

When a family feels hostage to a child’s explosive behaviors, it is critical that this dynamic be disrupted. Usually, this will involve relatively drastic changes in how the problem is approached.  

Enlist Third Parties as Support Persons

When a child has aggressive responses to demands, it’s common for families to isolate themselves from the problem. Parents might feel embarrassed or ashamed that their household is impacted in this way. They may feel that they need to solve the problem on their own. Sometimes, the problem develops in a gradual manner so that the entrenchment, in a sense, sneaks up on parents. Families might have habituated to avoiding confrontation for so long that they lose sight of how extreme the situation has become. 

It’s hard to climb out of this situation alone. Families will be well served by enlisting one or more trusted third parties to support them. Third parties might be a grandparent, close friend, or neighbor. This is a hard step for parents to take, but perhaps one of the most important changes that is needed. In situations when parents are fearful of their child’s aggressive explosions, these support persons can be called in to support the family.

Some children might inhibit their aggressive behavior in the presence of a supportive third party. Even if the child persists in explosive behavior, the third party can help to contain the sense of crisis by supporting the parents. The third party need not take special action beyond their presence to support the family. Depending on the circumstances, there may be situations when a third party can assist the child to initiate reparation after an explosive response. 

Understanding What’s Helpful Versus Harmful

When it comes to entrenched patterns, it’s likely that the child is stuck in a cycle of anxiety and avoidance. There are many situations where parents may need to have flexible expectations. However, parents will need to take a stand when it comes to basic participation in daily routines and setting limits on aggressive reactions. Parents might unwittingly participate in the entrenched pattern by accommodating the child's avoidance. Parents also need to know how to respond when their child engages in scary behaviors. It can be helpful to consider the following three categories of parent support in order to consider the bigger picture.

1) Providing for a Child’s Basic Needs

These parenting behaviors convey love, attend to a child’s basic needs, and promote a sense of security. Parents should meet these needs regardless of a child’s behavior.

• Emotional warmth

• Steady presence

• Attention

• Household structure

• Protection 

• Nourishing meals

• Family activities 

2) Special privileges 

These are activities or items that are not required in order for a child to feel loved and secure. These privileges are great for motivating the child to take steps towards greater responsibility and cooperation. Automatic access to these privileges is often a component of entrenched patterns. Automatic access means that the child enjoys these privileges regardless of their behavior.

• Video games/entertainment

• Access to a car (teens)

• Technology devices 

• Spending Money

• Fast food

3) “Harmful Services”

“Harmful services” is a term coined by Dan Dulberger and Haim Omer, who has written extensively about nonviolent family interventions for disruptive and self-destructive behaviors. Harmful services may satisfy a child but tend to promote a sense of unhealthy entitlement. They may get in the way of a child developing the skills needed to be a functional teen or adult. Whether something is a harmful service or not depends on the context. When entrenched patterns are present, these services are considered potentially disruptive to a child’s development. 

• Ready access to special privileges

• Room service / screen-side snack services

• Laundry services (depending on the child’s age)

• Regularly doing things for the child that are developmentally appropriate for the child to take care of on their own

Setting Realistic Goals

When entrenched patterns are present, it can be hard to know where to start. Even small steps are an accomplishment. It can be too overwhelming for everyone to make sudden changes. It will be important to have the support team in place before making any drastic shifts. It is essential that parents have well-rehearsed plans for how they will respond to explosive child reactions. Professional guidance may needed.

Regain Confidence in Parenting With Parent Coaching

Parents may find traction as they start putting new systems in place to get out of a crisis. Disrupting entrenched patterns can take time, but there is reason to feel hopeful that the situation will improve. Parents may find a renewed sense of confidence as they take steps to get unstuck with the support of a skilled parent coach.

If you are in Washington State, reach out to learn more about parenting services at Child and Teen Solutions. The first step is to send us a message on our Contact page. 

Find Support Managing Your Child’s Challenging Behaviors With Parent Coaching in Seattle, WA

If your family is feeling stuck in patterns of challenging behaviors and crises, parent coaching can provide the guidance you need to restore balance and connection at home. With a compassionate approach from Child and Teen Solutions, we provide tailored support to fit your family’s needs, we’ll help you navigate difficult moments, set effective boundaries, and rebuild healthy dynamics. Follow these three simple steps to get started:

1. Contact us and we will gather information and answer any questions you may have about parent coaching.

2. Our Client Care Coordinator will walk you through the steps for scheduling and preparing for your first appointment with a skilled parent coach.

3. Start managing your child’s behaviors in positive ways!

Additional Mental Health Services Provided by Child and Teen Solutions

CATS offers comprehensive support tailored to meet the unique needs of every family member. In addition to supporting you in parent coaching, our specialized services include ADHD, autism/PDA, emotional management, defiance, and anxiety. Additionally, for families with young children, we offer Theraplay, creating a shared experience for parents and children in therapy sessions. If your child or teen would benefit from working one-on-one with a therapist, please explore our child and teen service pages. In some instances, the same therapist providing parent coaching may transition to work directly with your child, or it may be beneficial to assign another CATS specialist to support them individually. For families seeking more insight into a child or teen’s development and learning profile, we also offer neurodevelopmental evaluations. We welcome and affirm all family structures and identities, including LGBTQ+ individuals, in every aspect of our care. Check out our blog for more articles like this!