When to Worry About Tantrums: Advice From a Parent Coach
Early childhood is a time when tantrums, frustration, and noncompliance are commonplace. It’s tempting to adopt a “watch-and-wait” approach because don’t all little kids have tantrums?
It turns out that a behavior profile known as “Dysregulated Irritability” (DI) is a robust marker of potential mental health problems later in childhood and beyond. We can identify these children in the preschool years, and even as early as during the toddler period. DI can signal the presence or later expression of neurodevelopmental, behavioral, or emotional concerns. DI is an indicator, not a diagnosis. Young children with DI have a seven-fold increased likelihood of experiencing mental health challenges in later childhood and adolescence.
However, later problems are not inevitable and may be reduced through early intervention. Parent coaching can help address tantrums by providing strategies to manage DI and foster emotional regulation, reducing the likelihood of future challenges.
There are two main indicators of Dysregulated Irritability (DI)
A general pattern of low frustration tolerance AND Dysregulated tantrums
Low Frustration Tolerance
Children who frequently show marked frustration may be showing signs of DI. Children who are easily frustrated may also be prone to grumpy moods, meaning that they might be cranky even during fun activities. These kids may be hard to cheer up. The frustration and moodiness can signal DI when there is also the presence of dysregulated tantrums.
Dysregulated Tantrums
The majority of toddlers have tantrums, but only about ten percent do so on a daily basis. Typically, toddlers are more likely to throw tantrums when they are overtired, hungry, or not feeling well. These kinds of tantrums do not usually signal a problem. Tantrums may be flagged as concerning when they:
Repeatedly persist for over five minutes.
They are unpredictable and occur seemingly out of the blue (versus limited to situations when the child is tired, hungry, or sick).
Involve hitting, kicking, biting, spitting, self-harm, throwing or damaging objects.
Involve aggression towards nonparental adults (such as teachers) or peers.
Navigating Negative Cascading Effects
DI is associated with negative cascading effects, in that the behaviors can have lasting impacts on family, peer relationships, and school adjustment. Caregivers of young children with DI tend to be more stressed and feel less competent as parents.
Early intervention is of paramount importance for children with DI. The preschool years are a sensitive period for frontal lobe development, which sets the stage for later brain development. Early intervention also works to reduce the chances of negative cascading effects, which can create ongoing mental health vulnerability if left unaddressed.
Early intervention, ideally, is applied by the time the child is in preschool. The most impactful treatment over the long term is a class of interventions known as parent management training. Parent management training can be seen as a type of parent coaching. Where parents are seen as the agents of change. Even without formal intervention, there are steps that parents can take to help their children.
Three Practical Steps From a Parent Coach That Parents Can Take to Help With Dysregulated Irritability
1. Be consistent
Most parents are familiar with the importance of consistency. For children who fit the DI profile, however, parents need to be really consistent, especially when it comes to access to special privileges. Young children may make requests and even demands, of their parents to grant screen time, excessive sweets, or a game (“right now”) with the parent. For kids who can tolerate hearing no for an answer, it’s usually okay to decide whether or not to say yes at the moment. Most parents prefer a more democratic parenting style and may not want to be perceived as overly strict.
Keep in mind, however, that children with DI, cannot tolerate when things go against their expectations. These kiddos have a hard time flexing when a parent said yes the last time but no today. Even when the parent explains their good reason for saying no. This means that parents need to set clear and consistent expectations. If a family allows screens, then it’s best to be extremely consistent about when and how much screen time the child is permitted. Over the long term, it can be best to avoid the temptation to allow extra or extended screen sessions in response to a child’s request. This is because children with DI are likely to become frustrated when the answer is no the next time. Kids who are easily frustrated need to know what to expect.
2. Beware of encouraging anger release
A common myth is that encouraging children to “get their anger out” safely will result in a less angry child. The idea here is that ripping paper or punching a pillow will rid the person of their anger. The practice of acting out aggression as a way of resolving anger stems from the catharsis theory. The catharsis theory suggests that when we feel angry, we can empty ourselves of anger by acting it out.
The catharsis theory has been criticized because it has been shown that expressing aggression tends to lead to more aggressive behavior. Children who struggle with anger control need to learn to apply internal breaks when they have the impulse to be aggressive. Children learn these internal controls through consistent parental limit settings around destructive behavior. While emotional expression is generally important to encourage, there is an exception about “letting out anger.”
3. Set aside time for child-directed play
Most of the interventions for child behavior problems employ the use of “child-directed play.” Child-directed play helps to build attachment security and a positive emotional tone in the parent-child relationship. In child-directed play, the parent sets aside a consistent time – ideally each day – to follow the child’s lead in play. In child-directed play, the parent narrates and pays attention to the child’s play.
During child-directed play, parents should refrain from asking questions and using the play as an opportunity to teach. This is because child-directed play is about unconditional acceptance and shared enjoyment, with no expectation that the child “perform” in some way. Child-directed play can have positive effects even when done for only five minutes a day.
Interested in Working With a Parent Coach at Child and Teen Solutions?
At CATS, our skilled therapists are trained parent coaches who have adopted a compassionate, nonjudgmental stance when working with parents to offer practical strategies to build young children’s self-control muscles. We typically work with caregivers over telehealth to make the services more accessible and available to families anywhere in Washington State. If the family lives nearby, we will typically invite the young child in for some level of assessment so as to help inform the parenting work. We may also arrange a one-hour school observation if school or daycare is a setting where the child is struggling.
You can reach out to us on our Contact page by sending us a message or scheduling a phone inquiry.
Create a Positive Relationship With Your Child With The Help of Parent Coaching in Seattle, WA
If you're seeking guidance in building a healthier, more connected relationship with your child, parent coaching in Seattle, WA can provide the tools you need. With the help of Child and Teen Solutions, you can learn strategies to manage tantrums and dysregulated irritability, fostering emotional regulation and long-term well-being. Take the first step toward a calmer, more fulfilling parenting journey today by following these three simple steps:
1. Send us a message and we will get back to you to gather information and answer any questions you may have about parent coaching.
2. Our Client Care Coordinator will walk you through the steps for scheduling and preparing for your first appointment with a parent coach.
3. Start creating a healthier relationship with your child.
Other Mental Health Services Provided by Child and Teen Solutions
CATS is here to support you and your family through a variety of services designed to address the unique needs of each member. In addition to helping you create a healthier relationship with your child while managing tantrums with parent coaching, we also offer services to young individuals that help with self-regulation, ADHD, autism/ PDA, emotion regulation, defiance, or anxiety. We also offer Theraplay to families of young children who are looking to have sessions together with their children. For youngsters who are interested in working directly with a therapist, we encourage you to read our child and teen service pages. In some cases, the therapist who is working with you in parent coaching can eventually shift to focusing on working with your child. Alternatively, it can sometimes be best to assign a separate CATS provider to the child or teen who is seeking their own therapist. We also offer neurodevelopmental evaluations when more information about a child’s or teen’s developmental and learning profile would be helpful. We work with a wide range of family constellations and identities, and all of our services are LGBTQ+ Affirming.
