Breaking the Cycle: Parent Coaching for Parents Who Want to Overcome Their Own Childhood History
You want the best for your children. You bring your positive childhood experiences into your own parenting. Maybe you also want to correct for negative experiences you had as a child. There might be intergenerational patterns of relationship problems. Parents today want to break these cycles. The good news is that parents who bring this awareness and intention are likely to succeed.
Even people with difficult childhoods likely experienced positives intermingled with the problems. There is a benefit to reflecting on both positive and negative experiences. Awareness about your family story is key to breaking prior cycles. There are numerous ways that the past influences current parenting practices:
Strengths and Traditions
Historical Context
Parenting Styles
Attachment Experiences
Inherited Burdens
The Trap of Overcompensating
Parent coaching empowers you to break generational cycles by exploring your family story and reflecting on past influences. With guidance from a parent coach, you can adjust your parenting approach to create a more positive and supportive environment for your children.
Strengths and Traditions
Most people inherit strengths and traditions from family or culture. Adults may have absorbed a strong work ethic or an appreciation of community and family. Strengths can include a knack for math or a love of reading. There may be cherished traditions, meals, songs, or community experiences. An appreciation of these strengths helps to build awareness of the broader family context.
Historical Context
It can also be helpful to consider the historical context that influenced your upbringing. As part of this, reflect on how your parents’ and grandparents’ childhoods may have been impacted. Significant historical events have likely shaped generations. Wartime, economic hardship, oppression, and loss may be an important part of the family story.
Parenting Styles
Another consideration is to reflect on the parenting styles that your parents may have shown. Parenting styles tend to fall into one of four categories. The authoritative parenting style is linked to the best child mental health outcomes. Authoritative parents provide warmth and connection, as well as limits and structure. This combination of warmth and expectations is most beneficial to a child’s development.
Next, consider your own parenting style. Many parents will aim to correct for any negative experiences with their caregivers. A parent who feels neglected may resolve to be a present and attentive parent. Parents who experience harsh discipline may decide to refrain from such practices. Parents may also bring their positive experiences forward with their own children.
Attachment Experiences and Earned Security
Another framework for understanding parenting experiences is through the lens of attachment security. Individuals who were securely attached to their parents tend to raise children who are also securely attached.
There is a critical point to understand about attachment experiences. Parents who experienced insecure attachment as children can still raise securely attached children. There is a concept called earned security. Individuals with rough childhood experiences can still develop secure patterns of relating. Even parents who experienced emotional insecurity as children can grow into being the kind of parent that they wish they had.
Most adults who have risen above their own negative experiences had an emotionally supportive adult in their lives. This person may have been a grandparent, a family friend, or even a therapist. The presence of even one supportive relationship helps to offset insecure attachment with one’s own parents.
There is another key factor that contributes to earned security. This involves the ability to step back and reflect on how adverse childhood experiences may have shaped their feelings and behaviors today. Adults who have these insights are more likely to break the cycle of insecure attachment. The existence of a “coherent narrative” about a painful childhood is linked to better mental health in adulthood.
Coherent Narrative
A coherent narrative is not about putting a positive light on bad things that happen. A coherent narrative involves a clear and consistent story about early attachment experiences. In a coherent narrative, the person can recount a balanced perspective of both positive and negative experiences. The person can understand their own emotions and discuss events in a fluid manner. There are few distortions or discrepancies in coherent narratives. Coherent narratives allow people to process and integrate their past experiences. Through this process, negative cycles from the past as less likely to repeat.
Inherited Burdens
Awareness is everything when it comes to disrupting negative childhood patterns. It can help to reflect on what messages in childhood are impacting your parenting today. There are many ways that “burdens” can show up. Burdens might include perfectionism or an overfocus on achievement. Other examples may involve overemphasis on weight and appearance. There can be a low tolerance for messy emotions or an unhealthy habituation to chaos. Specifics will vary from family to family.
The Trap of Overcompensating
When parents correct for their own negative childhood experiences, they may swing too far in the opposite direction. For example, parents who experienced harsh authoritarian parenting might commit to doing things better. On the positive side, these parents are able to give their children the emotional nurturance that they failed to receive. On the other hand, parents might worry that any limit setting will turn them into overly strict parents. Again, awareness is key to finding balance in parenting. This way, children can receive both relationship connection and healthy limits.
A Positive Way Forward
Awareness is one of the most important keys to overcoming one’s own parenting history. Parents can feel optimistic about the impact of building insight into influences from the past. With this awareness, parents can break intergenerational cycles. They can embody the kind of parent they wish to be. With the help of parent coaching at Child and Teen Solutions, you can create a parenting approach that creates a positive and supportive environment for your children.
Break the Cycle With Parent Coaching in Seattle, WA
Are you ready to break the generational cycle and create a healthier, more connected relationship with your children? Parent coaching in Seattle, WA can help you gain the insights and tools needed to make lasting changes. Start your journey toward empowered, intentional parenting with the support of Child and Teen Solutions. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
1. Contact us and we will gather information and answer any questions you may have about parent coaching.
2. Our Client Care Coordinator will walk you through the steps for scheduling and preparing for your first appointment with a skilled parent coach.
3. Begin breaking the generational cycle and create a healthier relationship with your child!
Other Mental Health Services Provided by Child and Teen Solutions
CATS offers comprehensive support tailored to meet the unique needs of every family member. In addition to supporting you to help you create a healthier relationship with your child in parent coaching, our specialized services include ADHD, autism/PDA, emotional management, defiance, and anxiety. Additionally, for families with young children, we offer Theraplay, creating a shared experience for parents and children in therapy sessions. If your child or teen would benefit from working one-on-one with a therapist, please explore our child and teen service pages. In some instances, the same therapist providing parent coaching may transition to work directly with your child, or it may be beneficial to assign another CATS specialist to support them individually. For families seeking more insight into a child or teen’s development and learning profile, we also offer neurodevelopmental evaluations. We welcome and affirm all family structures and identities, including LGBTQ+ individuals, in every aspect of our care. Check out our blog for more articles like this!
