Key to Success: Your Child’s Psychological Independence
How to finesse your parental control dials to promote your child’s psychological independence
We all wish for our children to develop a sense of themselves as effective, competent individuals. We want our children to establish a clear identity and strong self-worth. We would like our children to have a mind of their own and hold steady in the face of negative peer influences.
Psychological versus behavioral control in parenting practices
There are two general categories of parental control: psychological and behavioral. Interestingly, psychological and behavioral control have opposite impacts on children. When parents make space for their child’s psychological autonomy (low psychological control) and at the same time exert high levels of behavioral control, they promote successful child development.
Behavior controls involve clear limits, expectations, and discipline. Holding your child accountable with chores, monitoring your child’s whereabouts, and placing sanctions on aggressive behavior all fall under behavior control. Children whose parents exert behavioral controls internalize the rules and societal norms in order to function as competent citizens.
Psychological control, in contrast, has adverse consequences by impinging on a child’s psychological autonomy or sense of self. Psychological control refers to intrusion into the child’s personal domain. Examples of the private domain include personal preferences, opinions, and bodily states. Children are more likely to resent parental attempts at controlling their psychological arena compared to when their parents place high demands on household and social responsibilities.
Children and teens who perceive their parents as high on psychological control are more likely to have problems with depression and anxiety, poor school performance, and low self-esteem. While psychological autonomy is an especially salient domain for teenagers, children as young as preschool can perceive and be impacted by the distinction between behavioral and psychological control.
Adjusting parental controls according to your child’s temperament
The distinction between psychological and behavior control can be rather nuanced. What one child might perceive as overcontrolling, another might view as acceptable. A child’s perception of parental intrusiveness is influenced by societal norms and the child’s temperament. Easy-to-manage children require a lighter touch in parental controls compared to a child with self-control issues. Anxious and fearful children respond best to gentle discipline and reasoning. We do not want to parent a naturally self-disciplined child in the same manner that we would a challenging child. Also, children that are more irritable and emotionally reactive in their temperament might experience psychological control as especially aversive.
Psychological control and your child’s developmental stage
To complicate things, the level of psychological space that your child needs morphs with development. While your second grader might delight in sharing about their playground shenanigans, your middle schooler might bristle at even benign questions such as “how was your day?” During the tween and teen years, the sphere of what your child feels is their psychological domain expands drastically! Pay close attention to your child’s cues and respect your child’s need for privacy and space. Teens who view their parents as more respectful of their autonomy are more likely to share personal details of their lives with their parents.
Guildelines to promote psychological independence
There is no one-size fits all when it comes to fitting parental controls to your child’s needs. As a general guide, however, the following parenting practices are known to promote psychological autonomy in children:
Reasonable and flexible expectations
Respect for privacy
Encouragement of independence
Making space for your child’s opinions
Validation of feelings and perceptions
Steer clear of these parent behaviors that seem to impede psychological independence:
Criticism of character and choices
Guilt tripping
Silent treatment
Expressions of disappointment
Questioning family loyalty
Comparing your child to others
Overprotectiveness
Summary
By adjusting your parental control strategies according to the specific needs of your child’s temperament and developmental stage, your child’s sense of self will flourish. Your child’s psychological independence goes hand in hand with emotional resiliency and the skills to navigate the social world.
