How to Listen to Your Child

Mar 13

If you are a parent, attunement to your child is one of your most valuable superpowers. In times of distress, your child or teen wants you to see them clearly. They want to feel that they have your full attention. They want you to accurately interpret their emotions.

Children learn to regulate their emotions through attunement by others. It’s easy to feel that we need to teach skills like “take deep breaths” and “count to 10” when handling intense feelings. While these strategies have their place, they can feel superficial to children. Talking about “coping strategies” misses some core skills that children need to develop:

Self-understanding.
Trust in the signals that their emotions are sending them.
Trust that others will hold their feelings with care and accurate understanding.

Attunement happens when you:

Pay full attention to what your child is saying and feeling.
Remain open to changing your views based on what your child is communicating.
Give your child the sense that you see them accurately.
Adopt an unknowing (agnostic), open view to what your child is conveying.
Go beneath the surface meaning of what your child is saying.

You are not expected to be constantly attuned to your child. Attunement is not the same as agreeing with your child’s stance or acquiescing to what they want. Attunement is not about psychoanalyzing your child. It is not about giving attention to negative behaviors that are better off ignored.

Your ability to attune to your child may be influenced by how well your caregivers were attuned to you. Individuals vary in terms of how accurately they can read and tolerate others’ emotions. Efforts to attune to your child can awaken feelings of vulnerability within yourself. Since you truly care about your child, though, you are capable of giving your child the gift of attunement.

What attunement does and does not look like:

A well-intentioned but probably unhelpful conversation:

Child (sobbing): I hate school! I don’t have any friends and nobody likes me. I just want to die!*

Parent: Don’t even think such a thing. That is a terrible thing to say. Besides, you have lots of friends. I think you might be over-reacting to what happened at school today. Maybe I should talk to your teacher.

Child (escalating in distress): No, don’t! You’ll make it worse! You don’t understand!!!

Parent: Actually, I do understand. I remember feeling the same way when I was a kid. But we’ve done so much to give you a better life than what we had. I think we should try to get to the bottom of what’s going on at school for you…now let’s get you calm. How about some deep breaths…

Child (screaming): Go away!!!!

A more attuned exchange might look like this:

Child (sobbing): I hate school! I don’t have any friends and nobody likes me. I just want to die!*

Parent: Oh wow, you are really hurting.

Child (still crying): Yeah…

Parent: Tell me more.

Child: I can’t! It’s embarrassing. Besides, you won’t understand.

Parent: That’s gotta feel pretty lonely.

Child (crying softly): It does.

Parent: I’m glad you’re letting me know this.

Child (calming): It was so embarrassing!! (child starts to share a little bit…)

In the first scenario, the child feels dismissed and misunderstood. The child might be left second-guessing their feelings, with shame for having such a hard time.

In the second scenario, the child experiences the parent as slowing down, paying attention, and taking their feelings seriously. This is an incredibly calming experience. This child is more likely to develop trust in their own feelings. They may trust that others can tolerate their distress without becoming overwhelmed themselves. Over time, this child is likely to access and understand their own feelings, learn to self-soothe, and effectively seek others for comfort.

*If your child expresses thoughts about wanting to die, professional care is encouraged.

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