Fiction and Facts about Childhood Aggression
If I had to pick a single household rule to prioritize for limit setting, it would be a rule that forbids the use of physical aggression. Given how common aggressive behavior is among young children, many parents feel unclear about how concerned to be when they see their child engage in behaviors such as hitting, kicking, pushing, and scratching. To compound matters, there are quite a few myths circulating about anger and aggression.
Fiction and Facts:
Fiction: Aggression in kids is pretty normal - they will grow out of it.
Fact: While aggressive behavior is normative among toddlers, persistent aggression beyond the age of 3-years raises a flag. Typically, aggression drops off substantially by Kindergarten. Preschoolers that are lagging in their self-regulation skills are more likely to have problems adjusting to Kindergarten. Signs of concern in a preschooler or older child might include: frequent and intense meltdowns, irritability, quick to frustration, quick to aggression. Aggression in school-aged children is one of the strongest predictors of later adjustment problems. This is partly due to the fact that aggressive and disruptive behavior often leads to peer rejection, which has a devastating impact on a child.
Fiction: Kids benefit from “getting their anger out” by punching a pillow.
Fact: The “catharsis theory” of aggression, which assumes that we operate as vessels that simply need to pour out angry feelings, was debunked decades ago. We now know that even seemingly harmless actions such as punching a pillow can actually increase feelings of anger and perpetuate future aggressive actions.
Fiction: We just need to keep reminding our child that hitting isn’t okay.
Fact: While some families can get away with using only explanations and emotion coaching (without the use of consequences), most households will need a planned discipline response to aggression. Children with self-control problems such as impulsivity and ongoing patterns of aggression need limit setting that goes beyond talk.
Fiction: Johnny needs to learn tools on how to control his anger.
Fact: The most impactful interventions for addressing anger and aggression in children heavily involve parents. Treatments that do not involve parenting strategies yield only small effects. While there is a place for teaching calming strategies, your child’s ability to control themselves is strongly related to their ability to respond to limits that you set. By internalizing your rules and limits, your child will develop better self-regulation skills.
Summary
Aggressive behavior is almost always a top priority when it comes to rules and limit setting. Children whose parents set firm limits with predictable consequences for aggression are more likely to develop internal controls around their expressions of anger.
If you are worried about your child’s aggression, you can read more about evaluation and intervention here.
