How to Know When You May Need Online Parent Coaching Services
We often hear from parents who are seeking to understand whether their child’s behavior might signal a problem. Don’t we expect kids to show challenging behaviors? How do we know when to worry?
These are important questions to ask. We don’t want to fall into the trap of normalizing behaviors that might signal a problem. And we don’t want to “pathologize” typical behavior. An understanding of child development can help us know when to reach out for professional help with online parent coaching in Seattle, WA.
When to Reach Out to a Parent Coach
Preschoolers (ages 3 to 5)
Whether or not tantrums occur doesn’t tell us enough. We need to know what sets them off and what they look like. Tantrums in preschoolers can be expected when sick or overtired. Tantrums may also occur when the young child is overloaded by too many activities in one day or an overwhelming environment. Typical tantrums tend to last less than 5 minutes. They can go longer, but only on occasion.
School Aged (ages 6 to 10)
School-aged children can be expected to test limits and engage in minor rule-breaking. Kids this age also might lie to avoid punishment. A common reason why school-aged children might lie or sneak is to gain access to extra screen time. As children get older, we tend to see a rise in “backtalk.”
Tweens (ages 11 to 12)
As children approach middle school, we should expect eye-rolling at parents and “attitude.” Tweens may find their parents to be embarrassing. They might become much smarter than their parents, who “don’t know anything.” Peers are often much more interesting than family. As with school-aged children, minor rule-breaking and lying tends to be typical. This doesn’t mean that we let these things go, but we want to keep them in perspective. Tweens are often driven to want more agency. Their wishes for independence might even be unreasonable, but this shift is to be expected.
Teens (ages 13 to 17)
The teen years are complicated, especially with the tensions posed by tech and social media. Parents can expect friction around the teen’s desire for privacy. Teens may wish for unlimited access to their phones, video games, and social media. Teens may also experience vulnerabilities around school and their social world. Identity formation and exploration are central to the teen years. Identity themes may involve increasing clarity about values, beliefs, and interests. Many teens are considering their gender and sexual identities. Experimentation with substances is common in the teen years. Even though challenges with teens may be normative, parents may still find guidance on how to balance limit setting and monitoring with allowing some freedom.
When to Worry About Your Child
Emotion dysregulation
In preschoolers, tantrums that might signal a problem tend to have less predictable triggers. Seemingly small events might set off a meltdown. Parents might feel that they have to tip-toe in order to avoid a tantrum. Tantrums that are “dysregulated” might also signal a concern. Dysregulated tantrums might involve self-harm such as scratching. Aggressive or destructive behavior is considered dysregulated. When a child is prone to dysregulated tantrums and gets easily frustrated, we might get concerned. Early parenting support can be helpful in getting a child on track with their emotional development.
For school-aged children, we don’t get too concerned unless the child is outright defiant and argumentative. Children with explosive anger might need extra support. Meltdowns that persist beyond age 6 may signal a mental health vulnerability. We might get especially concerned when emotion dysregulation occurs at school.
The idea of “storm and stress” in the teen years is a bit of a myth. Turbulence is not inevitable. We worry a lot about teens who are showing signs of depression. Signs of depression might include persistent irritability, sleep problems, sadness, and withdrawal from the family. The presence of emotion dysregulation in teens can be very concerning.
Social problems
Children and teens do not need tons of friends. Some youth may be introverted or do better when socializing one-on-one. We get concerned when youngsters seem isolated or rejected by their peers. Kids who have a hard time making or keeping friends might need more support.
Anxiety
Anxiety is a universal human experience. None of us can escape anxiety. Anxiety may signal a concern when the young person limits their activities because of it. It may also be a concern when the child or teen is very distressed. Young people who are excessively compliant, easily stressed, or perfectionistic may need intervention. It can be beneficial for parents of anxious youth to learn how to support their child. Parenting an anxious child can be tricky because we want to be supportive without enabling avoidance.
Behaviors of Concern at Any Age
“Dark” self-statements (e.g., “I’m stupid,” “nobody loves me”)
Any self-harm (even “just” a scratch)
Serious rule-breaking
Extreme inflexibility
Substance abuse
Threats
Violence
Parent Experiences That Flag Concern
Parent perspectives give us a clue as to how serious a problem may be with a child or teen. When parents say they feel they are “walking on eggshells,” support is often needed. Other signs that signal a concern include when parents feel:
They need to limit outings because of their child.
They cannot place any demands on their child without a meltdown.
They feel that their child “runs the show” at home.
They feel that they don’t have any evening time to themselves because of child behavior issues or anxiety.
Why Should We Worry?
Children and teens who show the flags described above could have a higher risk of mental health problems over the longer term. For example, children with persistent emotion dysregulation are more likely to struggle later with anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Emotion dysregulation may persist as well. We also worry about “negative cascading effects.” Negative cascading effects are when more problems develop as a result of another. For example, kids who are inflexible and explosive may have more conflict with their parents. The strain on the relationship can create a new set of problems that can escalate in turn.
“First Line” Treatments Involve Parents
When help is needed, care usually starts with the parents. Most treatments that are backed by research involve parents. This fact tends to surprise people, who assume that their distressed child needs to talk to someone outside of the family. Parents have far more influence on their child’s mental health than therapists. We don’t blame parents but rather view them as their child’s most important resource.
Parent Coaching at Child and Teen Solutions
Our parent coaches work with parents of children and teens of all ages. Read more about our parent coaching services or send us a message to learn more.
Support Your Child with Online Parent Coaching in Seattle, WA
Struggling to understand your child's emotions and behaviors? Child and Teen Solutions offers expert parent coaching in Seattle, WA to help you build a stronger, more connected relationship with your child. Schedule a consultation today and gain the tools to support your child with confidence! Follow these three simple steps to get started:
1. Contact us and we will gather information and answer any questions you may have about parent coaching.
2. Our Client Care Coordinator will walk you through the steps for scheduling and preparing for your first appointment with a skilled parent coach.
3. Begin creating a stronger connection with your child!
Additional Online Mental Health Services Provided by Child and Teen Solutions
At Child and Teen Solutions, we provide personalized support to meet the unique needs of each family member. Our parent coaching empowers you with effective parenting strategies while addressing challenges such as ADHD, autism/PDA, emotional regulation, and anxiety. For families with younger children, we offer Theraplay to foster deeper connections in therapy. If your child or teen needs individual support, explore our specialized therapy services. Depending on your family’s needs, the same therapist may guide both parent coaching and your child’s therapy, or we may match you with another expert from our team. We also provide neurodevelopmental evaluations to help you better understand your child’s strengths and challenges. Our practice is committed to inclusivity, supporting all family structures and LGBTQ+ identities. For additional parenting tips and resources, check out our blog!
