Creating Optimism When Your Child Is Pessimistic
How many times have you heard these heartbreaking comments from your child?
“I’m such an idiot.”
“I’m so dumb at math.”
“Nobody likes me.”
“I’m never going to be able to do this.”
“I’m always losing the game for my team.”
If you are like most loving and responsive parents, you might respond with statements such as, “how could you say such a thing…I don’t want to hear talk like that…you are such a smart kid…”
If this has worked to bolster your child’s confidence, consider yourself lucky! Many parents find that these responses fall flat. There are a few risks to debating with our kids when they talk negatively:
o We as parents lose credibility because most kids don’t find us convincing. Kids expertly tune us out.
o We shut down the negative self-talk instead of teaching optimism and action.
o We might unwittingly reinforce the negative self-talk. Kids learn that self-denigration is way to engage us and even escape the challenge at hand.
Believe it or not, our goal is not to make our kids feel good about themselves. Individuals who lead fulfilling lives are the ones that can function well even when they feel crappy. Efforts to build “self-esteem” and “think positive” in our children can seem empty and fail to breed resilience. A sense of mastery and agency comes out of action. Our goal is to motivate our kids to action even when they feel bad about themselves.
We want to combat pessimism. Pessimism is associated with a higher likelihood of depression. Pessimism breeds passivity instead of action in the face of difficult circumstances or feeling lousy.
As an interesting sidebar, a study of men who suffered heart attacks showed that pessimism was more predictive of a second heart attack than traditional medical risk factors. Other studies have shown that a pessimistic explanatory style impacts the immune system and may even make it more likely to catch a cold!
How do we know if our child is thinking pessimistically? Look for the Three P’s (hint: when your kid uses “always” or “never,” be on the look-out for pessimism):
o Permanent versus temporary
o Pervasive versus specific
o Personal versus external
For example, “I’m such an idiot” involves a permanent characteristic that is global (pervasive) and personal. Optimistic explanations of difficulties or failures involve temporary, specific, and external explanations. For example:
“I wasn’t paying attention when the teacher went over this – next time I’ll focus better.”
“I was having an off day on the field today.”
“It takes time to make new friends.”
This is not to say that we want our kids to be off the hook when they fail. There are benefits to behavioral self-blame, which is a temporary and specific explanation for a bad outcome (“I got in trouble because I hit my brother”) as opposed to character self-blame (“I got in trouble because I’m a bad kid”). Kids who exercise behavioral self-blame are more likely to hold themselves accountable and exercise responsibility.
Importantly, children who see their successes as a result of something positive that is stable and global within themselves (“I’m a hard worker,” “I’m likable”) are more likely to keep up their efforts and are less likely to view their achievements as a fluke.
Here are four powerful techniques – all backed by research - that you can encourage and model today that build optimism and resilience:
1) Give Labeled Praise that fuels an optimistic explanatory style. Verbalize specific skills and details of what you observe as opposed to a vague “great job!” – this shows that you were paying attention and gives you credibility.
2) Active and Constructive Responses: Actively listen to something positive that a family member shares with you – ask them to go into great detail (“where were you when that happened…who was there…what did they say…what did you say…let’s celebrate!”). Ask them to “relive” the situation for you.
3) What-Went-Well Exercise (AKA “Three Blessings”): Every evening for a week, write down three things that went well and why they went well. The events do not have to seem significant – even noting trivial positive events will have an impact.
4) Teach Your Child to Recognize the Three P’s: At a calm time, explain the concepts behind a pessimistic versus optimistic explanatory style. It’s okay if this sounds like psychobabble to your child at first. It takes practice and repetition to get the hang of these concepts. Make up games and role-plays to teach your child about explanatory styles. Verbally model optimism when things are rough for you. When you hear your child use the Three P’s, you have a new tool with which to respond. You can make comments such as “sounds like some Three P’s just showed up” without debating the facts with your child. This simple act builds awareness and reminds your child to think more flexibly.
Recommended books for further reading:
The Optimistic Child, by Martin Seligman
Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being, by Martin Seligman
Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking, by Tamar Chansky
Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, by Carol Dweck
