Effective Consequences for Rule Breaking by Tweens and Teens
Your middle schooler just broke one of your house rules, again. You feel stuck. If you punish your child by saying no sleepover tonight, your child will never forgive you. Yelling will make everyone miserable. Your child is too old to be sent to time-out. You may feel at a loss. You wonder, “What good are house rules if I can’t enforce them?”
Punishment is one of those tricky parenting strategies that if misapplied, can have unintended negative consequences.
When children or teens are punished by losing privileges such as phone access, a much anticipated school event, or a social outing, they may feel overwhelmed and angry. Depending on how the young person experiences the loss, they may feel hurt, resentful, and even spiteful. These feelings can take a toll on the parent-child relationship and lead to escalating conflict and disconnection.
At the same time, parents need leverage in order to set limits.
How might parents enforce house rules without the nasty side effects of punishment? It turns out that punishment, as long as it meets certain criteria, actually can be an effective parenting tool. In order to minimize the chances that the punishment will backfire, it’s important that the caregiver issuing the punishment be:
Predictable
Reasonable
Calm
Predictable means that the child or teen knows exactly what the rules are and exactly what will happen if the rules are broken. It means that the caregiver will have put some planning into how to respond to rule breaking as opposed to issuing a surprise consequence on the fly. Without advance planning, consequences almost always end up overly harsh.
Reasonable means that the punishment is intended as a way to enforce a rule without inflicting emotional or physical pain on the child. For an emotionally worked up parent, a reasonable punishment may feel too mild in the moment. However, it is usually better to err on giving a more mild punishment rather than over-shooting on the severity scale.
The aim is for the punishment, or consequence, to be perceived by the child or teen as predictable and reasonable. This does not mean that the young person will be accepting of the consequence. They may feel angry even though they know that they were told ahead of time about exactly what would happen if the rules were broken. The young person may not agree that the punishment is reasonable, but they would probably agree that it’s reasonable compared to a harsher alternative. The consequence may be experienced as annoying, but it’s not supposed to hurt or feel shaming.
Calm is key. Usually, when a rule is broken, parents become upset. It’s common to feel inclined to yell, criticize, or threaten extreme punishments when a young person transgresses. In order for consequences to be effective, however, caregivers must remain as calm and neutral as possible. The idea is for the consequences to do the work of teaching, not the parents’ emotions. Along these same lines, resist the temptation to lecture and moralize. These parent responses don’t work. When consequences are delivered in a dysregulated manner, there is a risk of harm to the parent-child relationship and the objectives of being predictable and reasonable are undermined. .
As much as I’m a fan of natural and logical consequences, I’ve found that these can be too subtle to have a learning impact. The goal is for the child or teen to internalize the rules that are required to function in an adaptive, prosocial manner in society. Decades of research has shown that clear rules with consequences can help to foster self-regulation.
My two favorite forms of consequences for tween and teens include Job Card Grounding and Correction-Overcorrection. Both of these are effective strategies that are grounded in research and that were first introduced in the ‘70’s and ‘80’s.
Job Card Grounding is a consequence, or punishment, where the young person is issued a job card after a rule has been broken. Job Cards should be made ahead of time and explained to the child or teen. It’s best to come up with at least five different jobs that take varying amounts of time to complete. Depending on your child’s developmental level, the job may take 5, 10, or 15 minutes. Jobs lasting longer than 30 minutes are discouraged. The Job Cards should state what the job is and the steps needed to complete the job. Examples of jobs include:
Toilet scrubbing
Picking up dog poop in the yard
Vacuuming
Wiping down surfaces
Cleaning mirrors
Folding laundry
Sweeping the porch
Weeding
Raking leaves
It’s best to be as specific as possible. For example, if the job is to vacuum, clarify what needs to be cleaned. Is it just the main floor? The entire house? It’s also important that your child understands that the job will have to pass inspection before it is considered complete. Caregivers should be the ones assigning the Job Card, versus having the young person choose for themself. Job Cards are great for responding to rule breaking such as sibling aggression and general noncompliance.
For Correction-Overcorrection, the idea is that the young person corrects the wrongdoing and takes an extra step to repair having broken the rule. A classic example of Correction-Overcorrection is if a person punches a hole in the wall, the person is expected not just to repair the hole but also to repaint the entire room. I have found that Correction-Overcorrection works well for misbehaviors that involve relatively serious rule breaking such as sneaking things from others without asking, destroying property, and aggressive behavior at school. These kinds of problems typically require multiple levels of intervention and much finesse, so may signal the need for professional involvement.
I know what you’re about to say: “My kid will never go along with this!”
Job Card Grounding and Correction-Overcorrection tend to work only when implemented using a When-Then framework. “When you complete your job, then you may go to the sleepover.” “When you complete your corrections, then you may have your phone back.” It may be necessary to suspend all privileges that you can reasonably control until the jobs or corrections are complete.
There are some great resources on the web that offer examples of job cards to print at home as well as troubleshooting tips.
When used correctly, mild punishment tends to lead to improvements in the parent-child relationship. This benefit occurs in part because predictable, reasonable, and calm parental responses take the place of less regulated reactions. However, consequences are only one strategy that can be used as part of comprehensive programs aimed at treating child or teen behavior challenges. Punishments are never intended as a stand-alone strategy. If there are concerns about serious disruptive behavior or rule breaking in your child or teen, we always encourage reaching out to your pediatrician for trusted referrals. You can also schedule a phone inquiry with one of our team members at CATS.
