Three Signs That Your Child Needs Limit Setting
This post is the first in a series about limit setting with children. Limit setting is a complex topic and of course looks different depending on whether you are parenting a preschooler, elementary school child, or a teen. Limit setting is a form of discipline where the child is taught rules to eventually internalize. Children who internalize rules and limits tend to show better self-regulation as they develop.
Most parents have a sense that they need to “pick their battles.” At the same time, it’s common for parents to feel uncertain about where and how to draw the line when it comes to challenging behaviors in their child. To make matters even more complicated, the answers about where and how to set limits can vary depending on the child’s temperament, the family context, and the broader neighborhood and culture.
In most cases, however, the presence of any of these three signs indicates that limits are needed:
1) Aggressive behavior (kicking, pushing, hitting, spitting, pinching, biting, throwing).
2) Safety concerns (for example, defiance around wearing a seatbelt).
3) A sense by parents that the child is running the show (some parents describe this as a feeling of being “held hostage” by their child or that they are “walking on eggshells”) – this is a common situation in homes with emotionally intense children.
Many parents tell me that they feel confused about the appropriateness of certain limit setting techniques. It’s helpful to turn to the decades of research on parenting styles, which has shown that the use of power assertive parenting practices – when used in the context or a warm and supportive relationship – is linked to better adjustment in children.
Some people might recoil at the association of the word “power” with positive parenting tools,. It’s important to make the distinction between powerful discipline that is reasonable, consistent, and predictable versus discipline that is coercive and arbitrary. We know that the overuse of punishment reliably backfires. The effective use of limit setting requires nuance, conviction, and sensitivity.
