The Power of Reframing: A Tool for Frustrated Parents
You just asked your child for the fifth time to put on their shoes. This time you are practically yelling and your child is still ignoring you. You’re running late and your frustration is rising. You might think:
“Why do I always have to repeat myself a million times! I feel so disrespected. We’re already late, and now I have choice but to threaten no screen time after school today.”
Or, you might think, “We’re already late and it’s not worth the fight. I’ll just help with the shoes - I’m so tired of having to do things for my child that I know they can do on their own!”
Either way, you are ending this scenario with feelings of frustration, helplessness, and a feeling of disconnection from your child. You might feel judgmental of your child, which is a painful way to feel for parents.
A Neurodivergent Lens
Now imagine if, when the negative thoughts enter your mind, you remind yourself that your child is neurodivergent. Your thoughts might go something like this: “I have asked them so many times to put on their shoes. But I know that because of how their brain is wired, that they sometimes have trouble listening when they are doing something else, or that their sensory system gets overwhelmed when we’re in a rush. I wonder what might be going on right now?” While the situation is no doubt still frustrating, these thoughts might help to approach the challenge with curiosity and a new lens.
Perhaps you have learned that your child has ADHD, autism, or a learning disability. There is so much to discover when you find that your child may be neurodivergent. Many families find themselves trying to understand what a given diagnosis means for their child’s day to day functioning. It’s common for parents to experience some tension in not knowing whether a challenging behavior is a reflection of the diagnosis versus plain misbehavior. Parents might find that their old assumptions about their child’s behavior need to be re-examined.
A powerful way to help with this re-examination is to “reframe” their child’s behavior. Reframing means to view the behavior in the context of how their child’s brain works. Reframing is a concept rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). The basic premise of CBT is that by noticing and challenging our automatic thoughts, we can alter the stories we tell ourselves. With the new narratives, we might find that our feelings shift, which can then change how we act. Reframing is about observing our thoughts and trying out different perspectives.
If your child is neurodivergent, we might call this new angle the “neurodevelopmental lens.” The neurodevelopmental lens supports parents in approaching their child with more patience and less frustration, which can lead to less conflict and more connection. Reframing may not always give parents clear answers about what to do when their child is struggling in a given moment, but many find that it can help them see their child in a more compassionate light and that negative judgments start to quiet. Parents might find that they, themselves, stay more regulated in the face of a challenge with their child. Examples of reframes, or seeing a child through a neurodevelopmental lens, might look like this:
The Reframe
Old thought: What’s wrong with my kid? Why won’t they just do what I say?
Reframe: My child’s developmental age is a little younger than their actual age. They don’t do well when I give multiple instructions at once, and they might need more support to follow what I ask than other kids their age.
Old thought: Why do I have to always remind my child to brush their teeth? We do it every single day!
Reframe: My child has a really hard time keeping track of time and transitioning from one activity to the next. I wonder what new supports would help them remember so that I don’t have to be on their case as much.
Old thought: Why is my child so upset about such a small thing? Don’t they see how embarrassing this is?
Reframe: I wonder why my child is having such a hard time? Could it be that it’s too loud, too crowded, too long of a wait…”
Parents may find that by trying on reframes, they not only feel less frustrated but they might even discover new ways to support positive behavior changes in their child. Whether or not the child’s behavior changes, they feel less stressed and the emotional tone in the household improves. Reframes, of course, are just one of many strategies to draw from learning how to support your neurodivergent child and thrive as a family.
For further reading about supporting your neurodivergent child:
Holiday Survival Guide for Parents of Spirited Children
Interested in more parenting tools?
Our therapists offer online services for parent coaching for people who live anywhere in Washington State. We offer services for parents who are looking to address behavior challenges or anxiety. Our therapists commonly work with parents of children with ADHD, learning challenges, and the autism spectrum. You can reach out to us through our contact page.
