How Parent Coaching Improves Communication with Teens: Tips From a Parent Coach
Imagine a 5-point scale, where your teen rates you on how much these statements are true:
“My parents respect my feelings.”
“My parents accept me as I am.”
“My parents understand me.”
“My parents can tell when something is bothering me.”
“I tell my parents about my problems.”
Teens who endorse these statements as “usually true” of their parents generally tend to feel more secure and fare better in mental health relative to teens who do not agree with these statements. If you’re up for it, go ahead and ask your teen how they would rate you for each statement on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being never true and 5 being always true. It could lead to some important conversations! If you are hitting below 4’s and 5’s for most of these, you’ll likely find help in the tips outlined below and even with extra support by working with a skilled parent coach in Parent Coaching.
Common Obstacles to Connecting: The Teen’s Perspective
Fear of Parent Overreaction: “I could never tell them this…they would FREAK OUT!”
It’s tricky, because maybe there is some truth to this, depending on the information being shared. Maybe something happened that was unsafe, or perhaps an important rule was broken. Or, it could be that the teen is worried that their parents will reject them – especially when related to sensitive topics such as sexual orientation and gender.
Self-invalidation: “I really shouldn’t complain…I have a good life…I know it’s not a big deal…”).
This is a common one, especially among anxious or depressed teens. Teens who fall into this tendency tend to struggle with shame and embarrassment. These teens might compare what they're upset about to something “really big” and get down on themselves for having such a hard time. The teens who self-invalidate tend to question themself and feel guilty for having problems. They might have internalized messages that there isn’t space for their emotions or that they are too privileged to have “real problems.” These messages might come from within the family, but they are also widespread in our society.
Fear of burdening their parents: “My parents have enough going on.”
A fear of upsetting parents is another common barrier for teens who are internalizers (as opposed to teens who act out). These are highly perceptive teens who witness that their parents might be experiencing stress in their own lives. These teens may have learned to be overly caretaking of others’ emotions, especially at the expense of their own needs. Almost always, these teens are mistaken. Even when parents have a lot on their plate, they will be there to support their teen who is experiencing emotional pain.
Fear of unwanted advice: “My parents won’t get it.”
In this scenario, the teen might be expecting their parents to dismiss or invalidate their problems but offering overly simplistic solutions or failing to grasp the intensity of their emotional pain. These experiences can leave a teen feeling intensified loneliness and despair.
Common Obstacles to Connecting: Parent Responses
These parent responses tend to leave teens feeling disconnected from their parents:
Expressions of anger or disappointment.
Being right (“That’s not what I said…that’s not what happened…but I had to…”).
Moving too quickly to advice, especially unsolicited advice.
Shutting down the child’s negative statements (“Never say such a thing!”).
Minimizing (“It’s just___!”; “Don’t let them upset you like that…brush it off!”).
Offering superficial reassurance (“It’s going to be okay,” “Nothing bad will happen”).
Strategies that Can Help Teens Feel Safe Going to Their Parents
Chances are, your teen has some surprises in store for you. It’s not necessary that your teen tell you everything! In fact, healthy adolescent autonomy means having a psychological world and activities apart from their family. The goal, rather, is for teens to view their parents as trusted, wise resources who love and accept them unconditionally. Teens need to see their parents as able to regulate their own emotions and handle their teen’s difficult feelings and problems. Parents don’t need to be perfect at this, but holding these concepts as a north star when chaos shows up can be powerful.
Consider, at a time of calm, saying to your teen - “I hope you know that you can always come to me about anything...you can trust that I am committed to responding in a supportive, thoughtful way and will do my very best not to overreact. I love and accept you no matter what comes up.”
Even offering these statements might spark some interesting conversation with your teen. Along these lines, consider the option of inviting your teen to share about their romantic interests, pronouns, and gender. You may not always know if your teen is LGBTQ+. When parents go out of their way to show acceptance and invite discussion, it is a huge win for the teen’s mental health.
Use listening and validation skills
Here, you can view difficult emotions as opportunities to connect and increase emotional literacy for your teen. Listen for signs of self-conscious emotions (embarrassment, shame, guilt, and humiliation) and notice these aloud. Use welcoming language (“Wow, this sounds really important…”; “I’m so glad you’re telling me this”; “I’m so glad that you trust me enough to bring this to me…”). Use reflective listening (“Ok, so what you’re telling me is…”; “Let me make sure I’m understanding this…”).
Avoid criticism at all costs
You might be angry. You might feel disappointed. Perceiving a parent as angry or disappointed is crushing to teens. Parents might feel that expressing disappointment will pull for better behavior in their teens. This does not usually work. There is a cost to expressing disappointment, which is usually experienced by teens as rejection. Similarly, expressions of anger can easily corrode a parent’s connection with their teen. The solution isn’t to be a robot, but rather to take the time to step away if needed. The goal is for the parent to come back to the discussion in a regulated state and respond in an intentional, thoughtful, and connected manner.
Navigating Communication Challenges With Parent Coaching
Securely attached teens are more resilient and tend to show better mental health relative to teens who feel anxious about or distrustful of their parents. A key aspect of teen attachment security is how parents invite and respond to their teen’s challenges, identities, and emotional lives. With the help of parent coaching, parents can apply practical communication skills to bring out the best of themselves, thereby strengthening their connections with their teens. A close and connected relationship is key to teen mental health.
If you would like more customized guidance about how to navigate challenges with your teen, you can reach out to learn more about the parenting services at Child and Teen Solutions by sending us a message.
Improve Communication With Your Teen With Parent Coaching in Seattle, WA
If you’re ready to bridge the gap and foster a stronger, more open relationship with your teen, parent coaching can provide the tools and insights you need. Together at Child and Teen Solutions, we’ll work on effective communication strategies that build trust and understanding. Create a more connected, supportive family dynamic by following these three simple steps:
1. Contact us and we will get back to you to gather information and answer any questions you may have about parent coaching.
2. Our Client Care Coordinator will walk you through the steps for scheduling and preparing for your first appointment with a skilled parent coach.
3. Start improving communication with your teen!
Other Mental Health Services Provided by Child and Teen Solutions
CATS offers comprehensive support tailored to meet the unique needs of every family member. We provide a range of services, including parent coaching, to help you improve your communication with your teen. Our specialized services for young individuals support them in areas such as self-regulation, ADHD, autism/PDA, emotional management, defiance, and anxiety. Additionally, for families with young children, we offer Theraplay, creating a shared experience for parents and children in therapy sessions. If your child or teen would benefit from working one-on-one with a therapist, please explore our child and teen service pages. In some instances, the same therapist providing parent coaching may transition to work directly with your child, or it may be beneficial to assign another CATS specialist to support them individually. For families seeking more insight into a child or teen’s development and learning profile, we also offer neurodevelopmental evaluations. We welcome and affirm all family structures and identities, including LGBTQ+ individuals, in every aspect of our care. Check out our blog for more articles like this!
