The Extinction Burst: What a Parent Coach Wants You to Know About Weathering Meltdowns
Setting Limits with Strong Willed Children is Tough
Limit setting is tough, especially with strong-willed children. Kids with intense temperaments have a way of convincing their parents to read “one more book” even though it’s way past bedtime. They escalate when it’s time to turn off the iPad. When a limit is set, intense kids are more likely to yell, scream, utter profanity, and be aggressive. It’s common for parents to try to set a limit, but the behavior only gets worse. An entire evening (or longer!) may become derailed. Parents end up feeling, “It’s not worth it, I’ll just read them the extra book.” Or, “I’m not up for the battle with the iPad, I’ll just let it go.”
Limit Setting Still Needs to Happen
As parents, we need to socialize our children to get along in the outside world. Children who learn that they can get their way by acting out with violence (whether verbal or physical) are more likely to struggle with their mental health over the longer term. Part of this is because they never learn how to tolerate frustration and disappointment. In such cases, they are more likely to turn to harmful ways of coping with negative feelings. They might also learn that they can get their way by dominating others. Kids need to learn psychological flexibility, which is key to mental health. They need to learn to cope with frustration in adaptive ways, without destructive behavior. And they need to learn that they can handle upsetting emotions when things do not go their way.
Why Things Get Worse Before They Improve
At this point, you might be thinking about all the times that you did set a firm limit, only to have things get worse. Perhaps your child’s meltdown hit an epic level and showed no sign of abating. What you may have seen is something called an extinction burst. And even though it can feel like everything is falling apart, it’s actually a sign that your new limit is starting to work.
The Broken Vending Machine
Think of your child’s behavior like using a vending machine. You go to your favorite vending machine, pop in your money, and press the button for a snack. Usually, it gives you what you want. But today, nothing comes out. So what do you do next? Do you calmly walk away? Probably not. You press the button again. Then again. Then maybe you shake the machine, press harder, or even yell at it. That’s your extinction burst — a last-ditch effort to get the machine to do what it’s always done before.
Kids do the same thing. If whining, tantrums, or yelling used to get them what they wanted, and now it suddenly doesn’t, their brains go, "Wait! This always worked before! Maybe if I go bigger, louder, or wilder, it’ll work again."
That spike in behavior is what we call an extinction burst.
What Extinction Bursts Look Like
An extinction burst is a temporary increase in a behavior after that behavior no longer produces the desired result. It’s common when you first start setting firmer limits with your child.
This might show up as:
Bigger tantrums
Louder whining
Relentless arguing
New behaviors like stomping, hitting, swearing, or throwing things
It’s a child’s way of saying, “This used to work. Why isn’t it working anymore? I’m going to try even harder.”
In the midst of an extinction burst, some children may escalate to outright violence, self-harm, or scary threats. For families in this situation, it’s critical to seek the support of a professional.
Why Parents Need to Understand Extinction Bursts
Here’s the trap: just when your child is at their loudest or most dramatic, it can be very tempting to give in. But here’s the problem: giving in at the height of the extinction burst teaches your child that bigger behavior gets results.
It’s like saying, "If I push hard enough, I’ll get what I want." That means next time, the behavior may be even more intense, because your child now knows exactly how far they need to go to get a yes.
Instead, if you stay calm and consistent, you teach your child that those big behaviors don’t work anymore. It might take a few tries, but the behavior will often start to fade away once they realize the limit is real.
What Parents Can Do During an Extinction Burst
Here are some tips to help you stay steady through an extinction burst:
Expect it. When you set a new limit, know that behavior may get worse before it gets better. That’s normal.
Stay calm. Even if your child gets loud or dramatic, try to stay cool. Take deep breaths and speak in a steady voice. Your calm helps them calm down.
Be consistent. Don’t give in. If you said no candy after dinner, stick with it—even if the meltdown is massive. Giving in only reinforces the burst.
Offer support, not rewards. Keep a kind manner, while also making sure that you aren’t giving attention to the negative behavior. And never, ever give in to the thing they were trying to get by acting out.
Reinforce coping. When your child calms down, uses words, or accepts the limit, praise it! Say, “I know it was hard to hear no, and it’s great to see that you were still able to calm down.”
The Good News about Extinction Bursts
The good news? Extinction bursts don’t last forever. In fact, if you stay consistent, they often pass quickly. Once your child sees that the old behavior doesn’t work anymore, they usually stop using it. That’s when you start seeing real progress.
You're not just stopping a behavior—you're teaching your child:
How to handle disappointment
How to manage big feelings
That limits are loving and predictable
These are life skills that will help them at home, at school, and beyond.
How Parent Coaches at Child and Teen Solutions in Seattle, Washington Can Help
At Child and Teen Solutions (CATS), our team specializes in guiding parents on how to support their emotionally intense child or teen. Many of the families we work with have children with ADHD, autism, or the PDA profile. We offer tailored treatment plans to address the unique needs of each family. Reach out today to learn more!
